Papa was a rolling stone
Mama a dog chasing a bone
So I learned to cook dinner
And live like a sinner
How to separate the laundry
And not cry for mommy
She's gone for the night
But I'll be alright
Jess is here and she brought the party favors
Who knew this booze came in so many flavors
Daddy's no where to be found
Not that I really wanted him around
No brothers or sisters to share the burden
How I'd turn out, no one was certain
An orphan by circumstance
Still standing by chance
A charming smile and quit wit
Hides demons I'm forced to live with
Her blood in my veins and his thick skull on my shoulders
I thought I'd outgrow that as I got older
But it seems I'm just a rolling stone
Running around chasing a bone

Daddy's Disappointment

Daddy's disappointment, that I may be
But oh how satisfying to the rebel in me
If only I'd follow your plan
You'd accept me for who I am
If I'd simply see the light
Everything will be alright
How perplexing that I just won't listen
I can't see the life I am missing
Absurd to imagine I'm a real grown up
Out behaving like such a fuck up
Surely I'd meet the standards had you been around
Instead I watched her run all over town
Of course, you can't be held responsible
In '86 you were still crawling out of the bottle
Now that man is gone
But his addiction lives on
Yet you seem shocked I'm shooting patron
And my facebook status says I took that boy home
Nauseating righteousness
And egotistical holiness
Never makes me try harder
Just pull away a little farther
I think I'm witty, and charming, and kind
Fuled by independence and crossing imaginary lines
Not the daughter you planned, not from day one
So I'll be damned if you spoil my fun
A high school drop out with a college degree
Brings proud words clouded by hypocrisy
A nice condo and pretty car
Still not good enough, not by far
So daddy's disappointment, that I may be
But oh how satisfying to the rebel in me

Ladies-face it, your man watches porn

I don't believe I have a girlfriend who hasn't, at some point, discussed her boyfriend/husband's porn collection. Some of them proudly display the collection in between the The Matrix and Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the living room. Others ignore the fact that whenever they type a "p" into the address bar "pussy" pops up. A few will storm into their place of employment with the Hustler they found under the front seat and announce to the entire warehouse that they work with a pervert. Actually, only one did that, but still it's noteworthy. Here's the thing that we can usually all agree on. Boys are gross and they like to touch themselves. We learned this a long time ago girls! It's just what they do, you can't stop them-and really you don't want to. If he can't get his day started right in the shower, are you going to wake up for a quickie? After you spent 12 hours at work taking hell from your boss, are you going to smile and oblige when he taps you on the back of the head before you've even taken your earrings off? Thank mother nature for making boys so fond of self gratification, it's like sexual saccharin. "No honey, you had real sugar last night, Grey's Anatomy is on, why not try a sugar substitute?"
So, now that we've established your man is gonna touch himself whenever he has the opportunity-would you rather him have a playboy in his (other) hand, or think about the neighbor he watched bend over to pick up the paper this morning? We'd like to think he thinks of us in all our sexiness, but c'mon now, as you watch him fight with a weedwacker you don't for a second close your eyes and see Gabriel Solis' hot gardner on Wisteria Lane? If his atrocious collection of 70s bush isn't cutting into your action, and you aren't awakened to "bow chicka bow wow" with an elbow to the ribs at 3am what are you really concerned about? Some argue that porn is degrating to women, but I don't think Jenna Jameson cries as she gasses up her Farrari. Women make a choice to be in porn, women make a choice to be strippers, women make a choice to be escorts. It may not be for you, lord knows it's not for me, but if that's how they want to pay the rent, they can live with the consequences. They don't need saving. They're not addicts, they don't get the shakes without a shot in the face.
So, ladies, leave the poor bastard alone. Don't ask him questions about his viewing habits or favorite websites. Does he ask you questions about your period? Porn is a guy thing, let him have it, we have bigger battles to fight-like who will do the dishes or fold that last load of laundry? Face it ladies, your man watches porn.

10 Things I Learned in Retail

I work in retail. This means I am going to spend 50 hours a week listening to people piss and moan over some really stupid stuff-I mean really stupid-I understand that dropping one call a month while you're going over a bridge must be very frustrating when you're driving from Publix over to bingo. Be happy, that could have been death trying to call, your wireless carrier may have just saved your life. I'm going to see some really disgusting stuff too. Nothing is worse than someone handing you their phone BEFORE they mention that they dropped in in the toilet, except maybe cracking open a phone that apparently came from the set of that movie Joe's Apartment. Yes, roaches can lay eggs in a cell phone, and yes people will expect me to somehow fix this. Oh, and don't forget the crazy fucks I'm going to encounter. An old man once walked into the Best Buy I was working at completely naked. People will tell me stories of celebrity limo debacles and and aliens listening to their phone conversations. So why? Why deal with the insanity? Why choose a profession that requires weekends and holidays? Am I some sort of masochist? Nope, I just like to be entertained, and I am entertained everyday. I will learn some things about people in 20 minutes that their friends of 20 years don't know. Yeah, I deal with a lot of assholes, but some people that I meet really are cool. I don't want to work in retail forever. It's like selling toys to big kids with credit cards. No one needs a $15,000 stereo system, but it sounds soooo good, plus they heard the neighbor just bought one. The thing is, I don't want a 9-5 yet, I still enjoy staying up until 3am and sleeping until noon. I like having a Wednesday off when I can actually accomplish things that one can't on the weekend. I can pay my bills and still afford to drink top shelf. Should I really want more at 26? Would I have learned these things working in some big corporate office? There's time for that later.

10 Things I Learned in Retail

1. Nothing will ruin your credit faster than a woman scorned. I'm not condoning cheating on your spouse, but if you do, close the joint account and take away the Amex immediately if you are caught. Before you even try to explain or apologize. While you're explaining, she's figuring out how many coach bags she can fit in the back of the Infinity she's about to go buy herself.

2. The customer is not always right. I don't know who came up with that bullshit idea. The customer is wrong most of the time. The rule should be "If the customer bitches enough, do something to make them go away." Of course the precursor for the rule is "If the customer uses that bullshit 'I'm the customer so I'm right' line, advise the customer they'll have to call corporate"

3. People will spill their guts to a complete stranger. I know about more affairs, financial troubles, and scandals than Congress.

4. Some people think that drinking a bottle of Jager before deciding to come down to discuss their bill is a good idea. These same people will blame the company for the DUI that follows.

5. Old men watch porn. Their old wives know. They come back blushing asking for the "dirty movie" their husband left in the VCR. They had already loaded up his Hover Round before he realized it and he made her come back.

6. 80% of people have pictures of either their naked ass or their pot plants on their phones. I live in FL, it's like death's waiting room, some of these people also have Moses on speed dial. It's not always pretty.

7. If you shake your head yes or hand someone a pen. They will buy things. Seriously people-haven't you figured this out by now? FIGHT IT! Unless of course, it's me shaking my head yes, or handing you a pen-then you should succumb to the urge.

8. Society's number one problem-there are people buying plasmas and iphones that can't pay their electric bill. This same person tried to pay with food stamps.

9. Saying things like "I've been a customer since. . . " is not going to help you. The sales rep hears that from 75% of customers. The last time you bought a TV was for the series finale of Dallas. The cordless phone you spend $17.99 on every 6 years does not really make you a valued customer. You aren't impressing anyone, not even yourself. You're inside a mall, the flea market is up the road.

10. There is always some kind of magic number you can call and talk to someone who is in America, speaks clear English, and can make all kinds of exceptions and arrangements for you. If you have a legitimate issue, and don't act like an asshole, you will become privy of this highly classified info.

I may not read the business section or have a fancy title, but I do know how to not pay for a new ipod when it gets run through the wash and when I have a billing issue, I'm talking to David in Indiana while you're on hold with "David" in India. Are those not valuable life skills?

Thank You For Being a Friend

Actress Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend at the age of 86. I remember for seven seasons, I spent Saturday nights with my grandmother watching Bea, Estelle, Betty, and Rue on The Golden Girls. Even though that may be all my generation remembers of Bea Arthur, her career spanned seven decades. From her theater work, to her role in Maude in the seventies, a liberal pro-choice, advocate of gender equality. Bea, thank you for being a friend.

FML

If you're not visiting FML (F-My Life) several times a day-you're missing out of some amusing shit! It's a everyday life posts from those moments when you just sigh say"fuck my life."

Posted today:
"Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired for a job twice of the fact that it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML"


http://www.fmylife.com/

Happy 420

Each year, there are 29,000 deaths related to firearms, 85,000 to alcohol, and an astonishing 435,000 of deaths are related to tobacco. How many deaths are related to marijuana use? Zero. Now, I'm not saying everyone should be stoned, a pothead can be extremely unproductive-and not everyone likes to feel high, just like not everyone likes to feel drunk. On any given day we can find an article in the paper or Lifetime movie about the drunk asshole who beats up on his wife and kids. I have yet to hear about the guy who smoked a joint and did. . . well anything. I'm just saying that if alcohol is legal and no good ever comes out of being drunk-why is a plant-that isn't even physically addictive and is proven to help cancer patients sending people to jail for longer than rapists? Why isn't marijuana treated like alcohol? Prohibited from minors, illegal to drive while under the influence of, etc. Because the government can't tax it if I'm growing it in my closet. One day the government will figure out how to monopolize the marijuana market, and the days of getting high in your shed will be a memory.




Family Guy - Bag of Weed

Bella

I don't have time for your bullshit
This is my world, and you're not in it
I've heard this all before
I was even younger than her first time you walked out the door
I know every feeling she's going to have
Because yes, you really were that bad
She'll wish you were there
Until she just doesn't care
Love you 'til she hates you
And slowly erase you
Don't waste your breath on an apology
Or another way to manipulate me
Your heart is a dark place
And it's made your life such a waste
So, no, I don't have time for your bullshit,
This is my world, and you're not in it

Hope?

The definition of the hope is the feeling that that events will turn out for the best. The definition of naive is to be innocent and gullible. So the real question is how fine is the line between hopefulness and naivety? When does holding out hope simply become a waste of physical and emotional energy?
Little girls grow up with the hopes that Prince Charming will someday ride up on his white horse, glass slipper in hand, and sweep her right off her feet. He'll be charismatic, handsome and rich, not to mention so badass he can slay dragons. Mothers will encourage this ridiculous hope. Now they know the kind of boy their daughter will bring home someday. He'll pull up in a white Monte Carlo, not a white horse; there will be no slipper, just a flask of Jack Daniels in the glovebox. He won't be taking her to a far away land, he's taking her to makeout point. Sure he'll be good looking, if you're into tattoos and lip rings; and he'll be a badass in her eyes when he gives you the finger and burns rubber out of the driveway. Of course, mothers also know that that novelty will wear off. Johnny Badass will ditch her for his buddies, get drunk and hit on her girlfriends, and make her pitch in for gas. Eventually she'll remember the fairy tale she was fed for so long and she'll start looking out the window for that white horse. Some girls will keep holding out hope, she'll hold out hope so long, it will cross the line over to naivety and then eventually she'll just snap-this is where lesbians come from. That was a joke, but probably not that inacurate. Others will give up completely and end up with a loser for a husband, figuring that her Fairy Godmother must've died. He'll lie, cheat, and steal, but she'll convince herself she's not the kind of girl that gets the fairy tale life. She'll never open her eyes and realize she deserves better, to her it's all or nothing-and she's certianly never going to have it all. She won't believe Tim McGraw when he sings of a real bad boy who is a real good man. The fall from hope was too much for her.
What about the little girl who sits on the steps waiting for her mommy to come home and tuck her in? She hopes her mother will miss her too someday. Or the little boy who wants nothing more than to play catch with his daddy, he hopes someday his father will put down the bottle and pick up a glove. Children will carry this hope right into adulthood, until they realize that they have crossed that line over to naivety too. When they realize that their parental unit has no business being a parent. Hope turns into naivety and naivety turns into anger and anger someday turns into indifference, but not before a couple bridges are burned, a couple lives are shattered, and a cat's in a cradle with a silver spoon.
Now there are times when we need to hope, when hope is the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning. When she looks at the XRays and realizes she'll have to fight like she never has before, hope will get her through everyday. Hope will get her out of bed and drive her to chemo. Hope will take the place of her once gorgeous hair. Hope will fill her when she is unable to eat. And she'll be thankful for hope when she gets her clean bill of health.
Next time the butterflies flutter in your belly and you're praying your wishes will come true. When you're blindly hoping for everything to turn out how you want. When you're too stubborn to let go or in too much pain to want to. Remember, there's a fine line.

Hey! Breed ‘em When You Can Feed ‘em

So you need a license to carry a gun, operate a vehicle, even fish, but any dumbass can have a child. People who can't afford to pay rent are running around having babies all over the place. People with no business being responsible for caring a baby are popping them out by the litter. Perhaps everyone deserves the chance to be a parent, I don't personally believe so, but I'll go with it. Let's say everyone deserves the chance, even those who will ruin their lives, to raise children. How about you start with ONE-let's make sure you can feed this kid before you go have five more for me to feed. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying welfare shouldn't exist, I'm just saying if I'm paying for your kids milk and eggs how about you spend more time working on making money and less time working on making babies.

Chelsea Lately

Seriously, if you're not watching Chelsea Lately on E! every night, you need to start! Her interviews are unlike anyone I've ever seen. She's a little raunchy, a little intoxicated, and a whole lotta funny.

Leno

So I'm not a huge fan of the Tonight Show, but I am a fan of YouTube. These will make you laugh, I promise!



Mr. President, I am a member of the 'I laugh when it's not appropriate club,' so I personally, find Obama calling himself retarded hilarious! So people are all mad that he said that. Well, didn't that kind of prove the whole 'he's a retard' thing just by making that comment? People, get over it. It's 2009, this is not your father's President.

Wanda Sykes on the Bailout


Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Can you be anymore right on? I love this rant. Bailout = Rich Welfare.

Harold and Kumar go to. . .The White House?

So, we all smoked a joint with Harold and Kumar and laughed our way to White Castle right? Then we headed down to Guantanamo Bay with them and wondered how we can make one of those fancy bongs that you can use on an airplane! Recently Kal Penn showed up as Kutner on one of my favorite shows, House, MD. Until last night of course, when Kutner committed suicide. Why did he off himself you ask, to go work for Obama. Yes, that is correct folks, half of my generations favorite stoner duo will now be the associate director in the White House's Office of Public Liaison & Intergovernmental Affairs. What's next? Cheech Marin in charge of National Security? I can't say I'm totally opposed to this. One step closer to Legalizing it! Read the full article here.

Things I Could Have Gone My Whole Life Not Knowing pt. 1

So I'm helping this old man, at least 70 years old, get a new phone today. He asks me to show him the alarm function. Since he gets an hour for lunch, he naps in his car. Why is his old ass still working? That's probably a question Arthur Anderson can answer. Anyway,he proceeds to tell me how he really hates the whole hour lunch thing. He says "back when you're younger, you could just go play with yourself. Can't do that anymore." Yep, could have gone my whole life not knowing that!

It's a Dick on a Roof

So we all know how cool Google Earth is right? Satellite images of our houses, cars in the driveway and everything. I suppose it was bound to happen, I just can't believe my little cousins didn't think of it first. A year ago 18 year old Rory McInnes climbed on the roof of his home and drew, yes folks, a giant penis. A helicopter spotted the giant wang and alerted The Sun newspaper, who informed the McInnes'. How I wish I could have been the one at the paper. "Sir, we're just giving you a quick courtesy call to let you know there's a dick on your roof." Rory is currently out of the country, but once he returns he'll be expected to climb up there and rub it out. Man, the internet is awesome.

Dirty Bongwater-always a good time!

Beats the hell out of regular bongwater! A must try!

1 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz spiced rum
1 oz sweet and sour mix

25, no deductions

So, getting my taxes done a couple years back and the accountant leans over and says to me, "well, honey the problem is that you just made too much money." So now, I'm keeled over laughing saying "m'aam, I assure you that's not true!" I sat up and shut up when she responded "no, I mean, you're in a higher tax bracket but you don't have any deductions. Now, I knew what the she meant, but she had to go on and tell me anyway, "you know, like a spouse, or house, or children." I remind myself not at the bar as I get ready to slap her upside the head. Yeah bitch, I know. Well now I get to thinking. So the government needs more of my money because I'm turning into an old maid. Here I am on the brink of buying a rocking chair and cat named Paws, and I got Uncle Sam knocking on my door because I'm spending money on Italian leather instead of diapers and paying double in rent for what my friends pay on their mortgages. Now I'm not saying people with families don't deserve help, when they deserve help, but when you got a husband who is too busy watching internet porn to get a job, and I have to start buying your kids milk, the only help you need is a divorce lawyer-not my money, tell baby daddy to get a job. Well now there's a recession. If the government had let me keep my damn money, I'd be out stimulating the economy right now. My deduction holding friends, they try to save money for a rainy day, one kid needs braces, the other two hundred dollars in soccer gear. Single people in their twenties don't save money, we know in a few years we'll have a big ass house full of deductions and we'll have to buy necessities and save for college tuitions, and nursing homes. I'm not saying anyone should live paycheck to paycheck and have more debt than they can afford. But what good does half a million dollars in the bank do me if I'm hit by a bus tomorrow. Remember now, I have NO deductions, who gets all those pennies I've been pinching? If I make enough money to afford a sports car, I'm gonna buy a damn sports car. Now people will disagree with this. I understand that responsibly I shouldn't be out making frivolous purchases, I should be building my portfolio. So, a better time to buy the little flashy two seat convertible would be when I was toting around thirteen kids to a soccer game? Or perhaps after the children are all out of the house, given I have any sanity left, if I haven't spent my entire life savings on their college tuitions, and wedding extravaganzas, perhaps legal fees (every family is different), I should buy a Corvette. That's a better scenario, my old ass flying down the interstate going 110mph trying to relive my youth. Police chasing me after the home tells them I've escaped again. Which makes more sense to you? If you're 25, no deductions, and can take care of yourself-live, laugh, love, and spoil yourself-it may be the last time you have the chance.

Sex Reparations

So I have plenty of married friends, most of us do right? How many of yours are happy? The majority of married women I know are unhappy, unfaithful, and unmotivated to leave. Sure, I know a couple or two who I'm sure will celebrate a fifty year wedding anniversary, but they're few and far between. We've called men dogs for years, but like Jay-Z said "Ladies is pimps too." Even though women are just as scandalous as men, we don't blame them for it. It's like sex reparations. Mommies were at home barefoot and pregnant while philandering daddies were sneaking off with secretaries for decades. Sons, it's time to pay for the sins of your fathers. It's not fair, but we all see it in action all around us.

When men have affairs, we blame the man. When one of our girlfriends calls us hysterical after finding a phone number in her mans wallet, we grab a bottle of Patron and a crow bar. We pop in Gloria Gaynor and sell his autographed football on EBay. We'll have overages on our cell phones after talking for hours analyzing everything he's said over the last six years, trying to figure out when he became a lying, cheating, dog. We help her burn his clothes and hack into his myspace page to change his sexual orientation. We don't stop and tell her to get a grip. We don't tell her it's just plain wrong to key his new truck. We go on and encourage this craziness for as long as she wants to carry on like a lunatic. Lord help our boyfriend if he's friends with that loser. All communication ends immediately. No more poker nights, no more basketball games, fellas-if y'all crash your cars into each other and needed medical attention-you better be going to separate hospitals. If we so much as see that dirtbag's number on our man's phone-they're going on P. Probation for at least a month.

So when the tables get turned and our girlfriends are the ones slipping their wedding ring into their coat pocket, what do we do? We blame the man. That's right-it's still his fault. We'll justify our girlfriends behavior; Jen may have monica'd the Verizon guy, but her husband did abandon her to go fight for our country, girl like that can't be left alone for long. We'll tell her old man we're doing girls night at Heathers-Cosmos and cards. We'll wait as our friend tucks in the kids, kiss that poor fool goodnight, and changes in the backseat of our car-before we hit the club and she tries going home with the first guy who buys her a Bud Light. We may try to talk some sense into her, tell her she has a good man at home, and even ask her if she really wants to risk it. Then she'll remind us of how that lazy bastard didn't help at all last week when the baby had the flu. That's all you need, you give her the green light, if he knew how to help around the damn house, she wouldn't be out acting like a college freshman at 32. Now, like all plans, sometimes there's a flaw. Sometimes, that poor fool learns how to put two and two together and she gets busted. Now here's her man 'bout to catch a case, and our ridiculous asses will run over and get all up in the middle of that drama. We'll cuss him out, when he calls our friend a whore. She may be a whore, but she's still our girl and no one uses that tone when talking to her. How bout when our man says a bad word about Mrs. Trifilatis in an effort to defend his boy. It's P. Probation once again.

Why do we enable this kind of behavior? Why do our friends behave this way in the first place? Is this what the bra burners of our mothers generation hoped female equality would bring? Now I'm not saying all men are fornicators and all women adulterers, and everyone has their own reasons. But what if we stopped making excuses for our friends, what if we actually pondered the consequences of our own actions, what If we learned to hold onto a good thing and let go of a bad one without destroying each other in the process?

The Slacker Friend

We all have that one friend, the one we've known our whole lives, the one who is unreliable, immature, and usually trying to borrow $20. As kids we get into all sorts of childhood mischief, a few years later do a stint as rebellious teenagers, take a road trip in college where you learned how to party like a rockstar, and then we grow up and get real jobs and mortgages and life insurance. But not this friend, they're still living in mom's basement delivering Dominos part time when they're not busy drinking or playing guitar hero. We spend decades telling ourselves something will change them, they'll get married, or have a baby, or maybe the PS3 will stop reading games.

When our friend the slacker says they'll be ready in ten minutes, we just assume an hour and are impressed when it only takes them forty five minutes. Anyone else, we're shooting off text messages like "WTF! Whr R U?!" But not our slacker friend, we'll come up with excuses and even blame ourselves! "Well, it is kinda my fault, I know that lazy ass can't wake up before noon without several wake up calls." When they prank call us at work, instead of hanging up the phone, we try lecturing them on why they should be doing something productive. C'mon now, they are 30 damn years old, if they don't know this by now, you can not help them. You're paying the bill on the phone they're calling you from-stop, that'd end the calls. And you're slacker friend will always forget their wallet when you go out to lunch. Instead of making their broke ass do dishes, you reach into your wallet because you're enabling ass stopped by the atm and got extra cash because this friend hasn't had their wallet since 1992.

Now every once in a while we swear off this person. We're tired of dealing with all their nonsense. We try cold turkey. . . and it never works. Three days will go by and we have ignored every call, not responded to one text message, and since we're not there to loan them gas money, they can't just come by our house. Then we're getting ready for work, and as we grab a towel from the closet a box of old pictures falls and there we are, sixth grade-braces and pimples with those stupid Dr Suess hat on our heads and for a second we miss them. But we're strong; we put the pictures back, remind ourselves of the time they peed on our grandmothers houseplant, and head off to work. Jamming out to the Flashback Friday mix on the way to the office, the DJ plays Big Poppa, and there we are, sophomore year, smoke rolling out the windows of their Ford Festiva, and for a second we miss them. We shake it off and remember when they blew off the job interview for a position we spent months trying to get for them. During our mid day coffee break; the secretary, overwhelmed with her wedding planning jokes about eloping in Vegas, and there we are, barely twenty-one doing body shots off complete strangers at Cesar's Palace, and for a second we miss them. We think about how they threw up on our favorite shoes at the end of the night, and go about our day. The problem is, this person has been so entwined in our life for so long, they're everywhere. After a few more days, we break down and call them.

See, the thing about our slacker friend, is yes, they do outrageous things, but they're there for us when we really need them. That time mom found a pack of Marlboros in our JanSport, knowing you'd be shot, they took the blame and we grimaced as our mom got their dad on the phone. When we dated that loser freshman year who broke our heart, they told the whole school he was premature and burned his pictures with you while eating a pint of Ben and Jerrys. And the day we finalized our divorce, they came over with a bottle of tequila. It dawns on us, our slacker friend listens to us bitch about our nagging spouse, out of control toddler, asshole boss, plummeting portfolios, and mild ulcers all so we can be a grown up. We sure make the grass look greener for them don't we?