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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Papa was a rolling stone
Mama a dog chasing a bone
So I learned to cook dinner
And live like a sinner
How to separate the laundry
And not cry for mommy
She's gone for the night
But I'll be alright
Jess is here and she brought the party favors
Who knew this booze came in so many flavors
Daddy's no where to be found
Not that I really wanted him around
No brothers or sisters to share the burden
How I'd turn out, no one was certain
An orphan by circumstance
Still standing by chance
A charming smile and quit wit
Hides demons I'm forced to live with
Her blood in my veins and his thick skull on my shoulders
I thought I'd outgrow that as I got older
But it seems I'm just a rolling stone
Running around chasing a bone

Daddy's Disappointment

Daddy's disappointment, that I may be
But oh how satisfying to the rebel in me
If only I'd follow your plan
You'd accept me for who I am
If I'd simply see the light
Everything will be alright
How perplexing that I just won't listen
I can't see the life I am missing
Absurd to imagine I'm a real grown up
Out behaving like such a fuck up
Surely I'd meet the standards had you been around
Instead I watched her run all over town
Of course, you can't be held responsible
In '86 you were still crawling out of the bottle
Now that man is gone
But his addiction lives on
Yet you seem shocked I'm shooting patron
And my facebook status says I took that boy home
Nauseating righteousness
And egotistical holiness
Never makes me try harder
Just pull away a little farther
I think I'm witty, and charming, and kind
Fuled by independence and crossing imaginary lines
Not the daughter you planned, not from day one
So I'll be damned if you spoil my fun
A high school drop out with a college degree
Brings proud words clouded by hypocrisy
A nice condo and pretty car
Still not good enough, not by far
So daddy's disappointment, that I may be
But oh how satisfying to the rebel in me

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ladies-face it, your man watches porn

I don't believe I have a girlfriend who hasn't, at some point, discussed her boyfriend/husband's porn collection. Some of them proudly display the collection in between the The Matrix and Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the living room. Others ignore the fact that whenever they type a "p" into the address bar "pussy" pops up. A few will storm into their place of employment with the Hustler they found under the front seat and announce to the entire warehouse that they work with a pervert. Actually, only one did that, but still it's noteworthy. Here's the thing that we can usually all agree on. Boys are gross and they like to touch themselves. We learned this a long time ago girls! It's just what they do, you can't stop them-and really you don't want to. If he can't get his day started right in the shower, are you going to wake up for a quickie? After you spent 12 hours at work taking hell from your boss, are you going to smile and oblige when he taps you on the back of the head before you've even taken your earrings off? Thank mother nature for making boys so fond of self gratification, it's like sexual saccharin. "No honey, you had real sugar last night, Grey's Anatomy is on, why not try a sugar substitute?"
So, now that we've established your man is gonna touch himself whenever he has the opportunity-would you rather him have a playboy in his (other) hand, or think about the neighbor he watched bend over to pick up the paper this morning? We'd like to think he thinks of us in all our sexiness, but c'mon now, as you watch him fight with a weedwacker you don't for a second close your eyes and see Gabriel Solis' hot gardner on Wisteria Lane? If his atrocious collection of 70s bush isn't cutting into your action, and you aren't awakened to "bow chicka bow wow" with an elbow to the ribs at 3am what are you really concerned about? Some argue that porn is degrating to women, but I don't think Jenna Jameson cries as she gasses up her Farrari. Women make a choice to be in porn, women make a choice to be strippers, women make a choice to be escorts. It may not be for you, lord knows it's not for me, but if that's how they want to pay the rent, they can live with the consequences. They don't need saving. They're not addicts, they don't get the shakes without a shot in the face.
So, ladies, leave the poor bastard alone. Don't ask him questions about his viewing habits or favorite websites. Does he ask you questions about your period? Porn is a guy thing, let him have it, we have bigger battles to fight-like who will do the dishes or fold that last load of laundry? Face it ladies, your man watches porn.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

10 Things I Learned in Retail

I work in retail. This means I am going to spend 50 hours a week listening to people piss and moan over some really stupid stuff-I mean really stupid-I understand that dropping one call a month while you're going over a bridge must be very frustrating when you're driving from Publix over to bingo. Be happy, that could have been death trying to call, your wireless carrier may have just saved your life. I'm going to see some really disgusting stuff too. Nothing is worse than someone handing you their phone BEFORE they mention that they dropped in in the toilet, except maybe cracking open a phone that apparently came from the set of that movie Joe's Apartment. Yes, roaches can lay eggs in a cell phone, and yes people will expect me to somehow fix this. Oh, and don't forget the crazy fucks I'm going to encounter. An old man once walked into the Best Buy I was working at completely naked. People will tell me stories of celebrity limo debacles and and aliens listening to their phone conversations. So why? Why deal with the insanity? Why choose a profession that requires weekends and holidays? Am I some sort of masochist? Nope, I just like to be entertained, and I am entertained everyday. I will learn some things about people in 20 minutes that their friends of 20 years don't know. Yeah, I deal with a lot of assholes, but some people that I meet really are cool. I don't want to work in retail forever. It's like selling toys to big kids with credit cards. No one needs a $15,000 stereo system, but it sounds soooo good, plus they heard the neighbor just bought one. The thing is, I don't want a 9-5 yet, I still enjoy staying up until 3am and sleeping until noon. I like having a Wednesday off when I can actually accomplish things that one can't on the weekend. I can pay my bills and still afford to drink top shelf. Should I really want more at 26? Would I have learned these things working in some big corporate office? There's time for that later.

10 Things I Learned in Retail

1. Nothing will ruin your credit faster than a woman scorned. I'm not condoning cheating on your spouse, but if you do, close the joint account and take away the Amex immediately if you are caught. Before you even try to explain or apologize. While you're explaining, she's figuring out how many coach bags she can fit in the back of the Infinity she's about to go buy herself.

2. The customer is not always right. I don't know who came up with that bullshit idea. The customer is wrong most of the time. The rule should be "If the customer bitches enough, do something to make them go away." Of course the precursor for the rule is "If the customer uses that bullshit 'I'm the customer so I'm right' line, advise the customer they'll have to call corporate"

3. People will spill their guts to a complete stranger. I know about more affairs, financial troubles, and scandals than Congress.

4. Some people think that drinking a bottle of Jager before deciding to come down to discuss their bill is a good idea. These same people will blame the company for the DUI that follows.

5. Old men watch porn. Their old wives know. They come back blushing asking for the "dirty movie" their husband left in the VCR. They had already loaded up his Hover Round before he realized it and he made her come back.

6. 80% of people have pictures of either their naked ass or their pot plants on their phones. I live in FL, it's like death's waiting room, some of these people also have Moses on speed dial. It's not always pretty.

7. If you shake your head yes or hand someone a pen. They will buy things. Seriously people-haven't you figured this out by now? FIGHT IT! Unless of course, it's me shaking my head yes, or handing you a pen-then you should succumb to the urge.

8. Society's number one problem-there are people buying plasmas and iphones that can't pay their electric bill. This same person tried to pay with food stamps.

9. Saying things like "I've been a customer since. . . " is not going to help you. The sales rep hears that from 75% of customers. The last time you bought a TV was for the series finale of Dallas. The cordless phone you spend $17.99 on every 6 years does not really make you a valued customer. You aren't impressing anyone, not even yourself. You're inside a mall, the flea market is up the road.

10. There is always some kind of magic number you can call and talk to someone who is in America, speaks clear English, and can make all kinds of exceptions and arrangements for you. If you have a legitimate issue, and don't act like an asshole, you will become privy of this highly classified info.

I may not read the business section or have a fancy title, but I do know how to not pay for a new ipod when it gets run through the wash and when I have a billing issue, I'm talking to David in Indiana while you're on hold with "David" in India. Are those not valuable life skills?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Thank You For Being a Friend

Actress Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend at the age of 86. I remember for seven seasons, I spent Saturday nights with my grandmother watching Bea, Estelle, Betty, and Rue on The Golden Girls. Even though that may be all my generation remembers of Bea Arthur, her career spanned seven decades. From her theater work, to her role in Maude in the seventies, a liberal pro-choice, advocate of gender equality. Bea, thank you for being a friend.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

FML

If you're not visiting FML (F-My Life) several times a day-you're missing out of some amusing shit! It's a everyday life posts from those moments when you just sigh say"fuck my life."

Posted today:
"Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired for a job twice of the fact that it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML"


http://www.fmylife.com/

Monday, April 20, 2009

Happy 420


Each year, there are 29,000 deaths related to firearms, 85,000 to alcohol, and an astonishing 435,000 of deaths are related to tobacco. How many deaths are related to marijuana use? Zero. Now, I'm not saying everyone should be stoned, a pothead can be extremely unproductive-and not everyone likes to feel high, just like not everyone likes to feel drunk. On any given day we can find an article in the paper or Lifetime movie about the drunk asshole who beats up on his wife and kids. I have yet to hear about the guy who smoked a joint and did. . . well anything. I'm just saying that if alcohol is legal and no good ever comes out of being drunk-why is a plant-that isn't even physically addictive and is proven to help cancer patients sending people to jail for longer than rapists? Why isn't marijuana treated like alcohol? Prohibited from minors, illegal to drive while under the influence of, etc. Because the government can't tax it if I'm growing it in my closet. One day the government will figure out how to monopolize the marijuana market, and the days of getting high in your shed will be a memory.




Family Guy - Bag of Weed

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Bella

I don't have time for your bullshit
This is my world, and you're not in it
I've heard this all before
I was even younger than her first time you walked out the door
I know every feeling she's going to have
Because yes, you really were that bad
She'll wish you were there
Until she just doesn't care
Love you 'til she hates you
And slowly erase you
Don't waste your breath on an apology
Or another way to manipulate me
Your heart is a dark place
And it's made your life such a waste
So, no, I don't have time for your bullshit,
This is my world, and you're not in it

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hope?

The definition of the hope is the feeling that that events will turn out for the best. The definition of naive is to be innocent and gullible. So the real question is how fine is the line between hopefulness and naivety? When does holding out hope simply become a waste of physical and emotional energy?
Little girls grow up with the hopes that Prince Charming will someday ride up on his white horse, glass slipper in hand, and sweep her right off her feet. He'll be charismatic, handsome and rich, not to mention so badass he can slay dragons. Mothers will encourage this ridiculous hope. Now they know the kind of boy their daughter will bring home someday. He'll pull up in a white Monte Carlo, not a white horse; there will be no slipper, just a flask of Jack Daniels in the glovebox. He won't be taking her to a far away land, he's taking her to makeout point. Sure he'll be good looking, if you're into tattoos and lip rings; and he'll be a badass in her eyes when he gives you the finger and burns rubber out of the driveway. Of course, mothers also know that that novelty will wear off. Johnny Badass will ditch her for his buddies, get drunk and hit on her girlfriends, and make her pitch in for gas. Eventually she'll remember the fairy tale she was fed for so long and she'll start looking out the window for that white horse. Some girls will keep holding out hope, she'll hold out hope so long, it will cross the line over to naivety and then eventually she'll just snap-this is where lesbians come from. That was a joke, but probably not that inacurate. Others will give up completely and end up with a loser for a husband, figuring that her Fairy Godmother must've died. He'll lie, cheat, and steal, but she'll convince herself she's not the kind of girl that gets the fairy tale life. She'll never open her eyes and realize she deserves better, to her it's all or nothing-and she's certianly never going to have it all. She won't believe Tim McGraw when he sings of a real bad boy who is a real good man. The fall from hope was too much for her.
What about the little girl who sits on the steps waiting for her mommy to come home and tuck her in? She hopes her mother will miss her too someday. Or the little boy who wants nothing more than to play catch with his daddy, he hopes someday his father will put down the bottle and pick up a glove. Children will carry this hope right into adulthood, until they realize that they have crossed that line over to naivety too. When they realize that their parental unit has no business being a parent. Hope turns into naivety and naivety turns into anger and anger someday turns into indifference, but not before a couple bridges are burned, a couple lives are shattered, and a cat's in a cradle with a silver spoon.
Now there are times when we need to hope, when hope is the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning. When she looks at the XRays and realizes she'll have to fight like she never has before, hope will get her through everyday. Hope will get her out of bed and drive her to chemo. Hope will take the place of her once gorgeous hair. Hope will fill her when she is unable to eat. And she'll be thankful for hope when she gets her clean bill of health.
Next time the butterflies flutter in your belly and you're praying your wishes will come true. When you're blindly hoping for everything to turn out how you want. When you're too stubborn to let go or in too much pain to want to. Remember, there's a fine line.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Hey! Breed ‘em When You Can Feed ‘em

So you need a license to carry a gun, operate a vehicle, even fish, but any dumbass can have a child. People who can't afford to pay rent are running around having babies all over the place. People with no business being responsible for caring a baby are popping them out by the litter. Perhaps everyone deserves the chance to be a parent, I don't personally believe so, but I'll go with it. Let's say everyone deserves the chance, even those who will ruin their lives, to raise children. How about you start with ONE-let's make sure you can feed this kid before you go have five more for me to feed. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying welfare shouldn't exist, I'm just saying if I'm paying for your kids milk and eggs how about you spend more time working on making money and less time working on making babies.

Chelsea Lately

Seriously, if you're not watching Chelsea Lately on E! every night, you need to start! Her interviews are unlike anyone I've ever seen. She's a little raunchy, a little intoxicated, and a whole lotta funny.



Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Leno

So I'm not a huge fan of the Tonight Show, but I am a fan of YouTube. These will make you laugh, I promise!



Mr. President, I am a member of the 'I laugh when it's not appropriate club,' so I personally, find Obama calling himself retarded hilarious! So people are all mad that he said that. Well, didn't that kind of prove the whole 'he's a retard' thing just by making that comment? People, get over it. It's 2009, this is not your father's President.

Wanda Sykes on the Bailout


Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Can you be anymore right on? I love this rant. Bailout = Rich Welfare.

Harold and Kumar go to. . .The White House?




So, we all smoked a joint with Harold and Kumar and laughed our way to White Castle right? Then we headed down to Guantanamo Bay with them and wondered how we can make one of those fancy bongs that you can use on an airplane! Recently Kal Penn showed up as Kutner on one of my favorite shows, House, MD. Until last night of course, when Kutner committed suicide. Why did he off himself you ask, to go work for Obama. Yes, that is correct folks, half of my generations favorite stoner duo will now be the associate director in the White House's Office of Public Liaison & Intergovernmental Affairs. What's next? Cheech Marin in charge of National Security? I can't say I'm totally opposed to this. One step closer to Legalizing it! Read the full article here.

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