Thank You For Being a Friend

Actress Bea Arthur, passed away this weekend at the age of 86. I remember for seven seasons, I spent Saturday nights with my grandmother watching Bea, Estelle, Betty, and Rue on The Golden Girls. Even though that may be all my generation remembers of Bea Arthur, her career spanned seven decades. From her theater work, to her role in Maude in the seventies, a liberal pro-choice, advocate of gender equality. Bea, thank you for being a friend.

FML

If you're not visiting FML (F-My Life) several times a day-you're missing out of some amusing shit! It's a everyday life posts from those moments when you just sigh say"fuck my life."

Posted today:
"Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired for a job twice of the fact that it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML"


http://www.fmylife.com/

Happy 420

Each year, there are 29,000 deaths related to firearms, 85,000 to alcohol, and an astonishing 435,000 of deaths are related to tobacco. How many deaths are related to marijuana use? Zero. Now, I'm not saying everyone should be stoned, a pothead can be extremely unproductive-and not everyone likes to feel high, just like not everyone likes to feel drunk. On any given day we can find an article in the paper or Lifetime movie about the drunk asshole who beats up on his wife and kids. I have yet to hear about the guy who smoked a joint and did. . . well anything. I'm just saying that if alcohol is legal and no good ever comes out of being drunk-why is a plant-that isn't even physically addictive and is proven to help cancer patients sending people to jail for longer than rapists? Why isn't marijuana treated like alcohol? Prohibited from minors, illegal to drive while under the influence of, etc. Because the government can't tax it if I'm growing it in my closet. One day the government will figure out how to monopolize the marijuana market, and the days of getting high in your shed will be a memory.




Family Guy - Bag of Weed

Bella

I don't have time for your bullshit
This is my world, and you're not in it
I've heard this all before
I was even younger than her first time you walked out the door
I know every feeling she's going to have
Because yes, you really were that bad
She'll wish you were there
Until she just doesn't care
Love you 'til she hates you
And slowly erase you
Don't waste your breath on an apology
Or another way to manipulate me
Your heart is a dark place
And it's made your life such a waste
So, no, I don't have time for your bullshit,
This is my world, and you're not in it

Hope?

The definition of the hope is the feeling that that events will turn out for the best. The definition of naive is to be innocent and gullible. So the real question is how fine is the line between hopefulness and naivety? When does holding out hope simply become a waste of physical and emotional energy?
Little girls grow up with the hopes that Prince Charming will someday ride up on his white horse, glass slipper in hand, and sweep her right off her feet. He'll be charismatic, handsome and rich, not to mention so badass he can slay dragons. Mothers will encourage this ridiculous hope. Now they know the kind of boy their daughter will bring home someday. He'll pull up in a white Monte Carlo, not a white horse; there will be no slipper, just a flask of Jack Daniels in the glovebox. He won't be taking her to a far away land, he's taking her to makeout point. Sure he'll be good looking, if you're into tattoos and lip rings; and he'll be a badass in her eyes when he gives you the finger and burns rubber out of the driveway. Of course, mothers also know that that novelty will wear off. Johnny Badass will ditch her for his buddies, get drunk and hit on her girlfriends, and make her pitch in for gas. Eventually she'll remember the fairy tale she was fed for so long and she'll start looking out the window for that white horse. Some girls will keep holding out hope, she'll hold out hope so long, it will cross the line over to naivety and then eventually she'll just snap-this is where lesbians come from. That was a joke, but probably not that inacurate. Others will give up completely and end up with a loser for a husband, figuring that her Fairy Godmother must've died. He'll lie, cheat, and steal, but she'll convince herself she's not the kind of girl that gets the fairy tale life. She'll never open her eyes and realize she deserves better, to her it's all or nothing-and she's certianly never going to have it all. She won't believe Tim McGraw when he sings of a real bad boy who is a real good man. The fall from hope was too much for her.
What about the little girl who sits on the steps waiting for her mommy to come home and tuck her in? She hopes her mother will miss her too someday. Or the little boy who wants nothing more than to play catch with his daddy, he hopes someday his father will put down the bottle and pick up a glove. Children will carry this hope right into adulthood, until they realize that they have crossed that line over to naivety too. When they realize that their parental unit has no business being a parent. Hope turns into naivety and naivety turns into anger and anger someday turns into indifference, but not before a couple bridges are burned, a couple lives are shattered, and a cat's in a cradle with a silver spoon.
Now there are times when we need to hope, when hope is the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning. When she looks at the XRays and realizes she'll have to fight like she never has before, hope will get her through everyday. Hope will get her out of bed and drive her to chemo. Hope will take the place of her once gorgeous hair. Hope will fill her when she is unable to eat. And she'll be thankful for hope when she gets her clean bill of health.
Next time the butterflies flutter in your belly and you're praying your wishes will come true. When you're blindly hoping for everything to turn out how you want. When you're too stubborn to let go or in too much pain to want to. Remember, there's a fine line.

Hey! Breed ‘em When You Can Feed ‘em

So you need a license to carry a gun, operate a vehicle, even fish, but any dumbass can have a child. People who can't afford to pay rent are running around having babies all over the place. People with no business being responsible for caring a baby are popping them out by the litter. Perhaps everyone deserves the chance to be a parent, I don't personally believe so, but I'll go with it. Let's say everyone deserves the chance, even those who will ruin their lives, to raise children. How about you start with ONE-let's make sure you can feed this kid before you go have five more for me to feed. Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying welfare shouldn't exist, I'm just saying if I'm paying for your kids milk and eggs how about you spend more time working on making money and less time working on making babies.

Chelsea Lately

Seriously, if you're not watching Chelsea Lately on E! every night, you need to start! Her interviews are unlike anyone I've ever seen. She's a little raunchy, a little intoxicated, and a whole lotta funny.

Leno

So I'm not a huge fan of the Tonight Show, but I am a fan of YouTube. These will make you laugh, I promise!



Mr. President, I am a member of the 'I laugh when it's not appropriate club,' so I personally, find Obama calling himself retarded hilarious! So people are all mad that he said that. Well, didn't that kind of prove the whole 'he's a retard' thing just by making that comment? People, get over it. It's 2009, this is not your father's President.

Wanda Sykes on the Bailout


Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Can you be anymore right on? I love this rant. Bailout = Rich Welfare.

Harold and Kumar go to. . .The White House?

So, we all smoked a joint with Harold and Kumar and laughed our way to White Castle right? Then we headed down to Guantanamo Bay with them and wondered how we can make one of those fancy bongs that you can use on an airplane! Recently Kal Penn showed up as Kutner on one of my favorite shows, House, MD. Until last night of course, when Kutner committed suicide. Why did he off himself you ask, to go work for Obama. Yes, that is correct folks, half of my generations favorite stoner duo will now be the associate director in the White House's Office of Public Liaison & Intergovernmental Affairs. What's next? Cheech Marin in charge of National Security? I can't say I'm totally opposed to this. One step closer to Legalizing it! Read the full article here.

Things I Could Have Gone My Whole Life Not Knowing pt. 1

So I'm helping this old man, at least 70 years old, get a new phone today. He asks me to show him the alarm function. Since he gets an hour for lunch, he naps in his car. Why is his old ass still working? That's probably a question Arthur Anderson can answer. Anyway,he proceeds to tell me how he really hates the whole hour lunch thing. He says "back when you're younger, you could just go play with yourself. Can't do that anymore." Yep, could have gone my whole life not knowing that!

It's a Dick on a Roof

So we all know how cool Google Earth is right? Satellite images of our houses, cars in the driveway and everything. I suppose it was bound to happen, I just can't believe my little cousins didn't think of it first. A year ago 18 year old Rory McInnes climbed on the roof of his home and drew, yes folks, a giant penis. A helicopter spotted the giant wang and alerted The Sun newspaper, who informed the McInnes'. How I wish I could have been the one at the paper. "Sir, we're just giving you a quick courtesy call to let you know there's a dick on your roof." Rory is currently out of the country, but once he returns he'll be expected to climb up there and rub it out. Man, the internet is awesome.

Dirty Bongwater-always a good time!

Beats the hell out of regular bongwater! A must try!

1 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz spiced rum
1 oz sweet and sour mix

25, no deductions

So, getting my taxes done a couple years back and the accountant leans over and says to me, "well, honey the problem is that you just made too much money." So now, I'm keeled over laughing saying "m'aam, I assure you that's not true!" I sat up and shut up when she responded "no, I mean, you're in a higher tax bracket but you don't have any deductions. Now, I knew what the she meant, but she had to go on and tell me anyway, "you know, like a spouse, or house, or children." I remind myself not at the bar as I get ready to slap her upside the head. Yeah bitch, I know. Well now I get to thinking. So the government needs more of my money because I'm turning into an old maid. Here I am on the brink of buying a rocking chair and cat named Paws, and I got Uncle Sam knocking on my door because I'm spending money on Italian leather instead of diapers and paying double in rent for what my friends pay on their mortgages. Now I'm not saying people with families don't deserve help, when they deserve help, but when you got a husband who is too busy watching internet porn to get a job, and I have to start buying your kids milk, the only help you need is a divorce lawyer-not my money, tell baby daddy to get a job. Well now there's a recession. If the government had let me keep my damn money, I'd be out stimulating the economy right now. My deduction holding friends, they try to save money for a rainy day, one kid needs braces, the other two hundred dollars in soccer gear. Single people in their twenties don't save money, we know in a few years we'll have a big ass house full of deductions and we'll have to buy necessities and save for college tuitions, and nursing homes. I'm not saying anyone should live paycheck to paycheck and have more debt than they can afford. But what good does half a million dollars in the bank do me if I'm hit by a bus tomorrow. Remember now, I have NO deductions, who gets all those pennies I've been pinching? If I make enough money to afford a sports car, I'm gonna buy a damn sports car. Now people will disagree with this. I understand that responsibly I shouldn't be out making frivolous purchases, I should be building my portfolio. So, a better time to buy the little flashy two seat convertible would be when I was toting around thirteen kids to a soccer game? Or perhaps after the children are all out of the house, given I have any sanity left, if I haven't spent my entire life savings on their college tuitions, and wedding extravaganzas, perhaps legal fees (every family is different), I should buy a Corvette. That's a better scenario, my old ass flying down the interstate going 110mph trying to relive my youth. Police chasing me after the home tells them I've escaped again. Which makes more sense to you? If you're 25, no deductions, and can take care of yourself-live, laugh, love, and spoil yourself-it may be the last time you have the chance.