10 Things I Learned in Retail

I work in retail. This means I am going to spend 50 hours a week listening to people piss and moan over some really stupid stuff-I mean really stupid-I understand that dropping one call a month while you're going over a bridge must be very frustrating when you're driving from Publix over to bingo. Be happy, that could have been death trying to call, your wireless carrier may have just saved your life. I'm going to see some really disgusting stuff too. Nothing is worse than someone handing you their phone BEFORE they mention that they dropped in in the toilet, except maybe cracking open a phone that apparently came from the set of that movie Joe's Apartment. Yes, roaches can lay eggs in a cell phone, and yes people will expect me to somehow fix this. Oh, and don't forget the crazy fucks I'm going to encounter. An old man once walked into the Best Buy I was working at completely naked. People will tell me stories of celebrity limo debacles and and aliens listening to their phone conversations. So why? Why deal with the insanity? Why choose a profession that requires weekends and holidays? Am I some sort of masochist? Nope, I just like to be entertained, and I am entertained everyday. I will learn some things about people in 20 minutes that their friends of 20 years don't know. Yeah, I deal with a lot of assholes, but some people that I meet really are cool. I don't want to work in retail forever. It's like selling toys to big kids with credit cards. No one needs a $15,000 stereo system, but it sounds soooo good, plus they heard the neighbor just bought one. The thing is, I don't want a 9-5 yet, I still enjoy staying up until 3am and sleeping until noon. I like having a Wednesday off when I can actually accomplish things that one can't on the weekend. I can pay my bills and still afford to drink top shelf. Should I really want more at 26? Would I have learned these things working in some big corporate office? There's time for that later.

10 Things I Learned in Retail

1. Nothing will ruin your credit faster than a woman scorned. I'm not condoning cheating on your spouse, but if you do, close the joint account and take away the Amex immediately if you are caught. Before you even try to explain or apologize. While you're explaining, she's figuring out how many coach bags she can fit in the back of the Infinity she's about to go buy herself.

2. The customer is not always right. I don't know who came up with that bullshit idea. The customer is wrong most of the time. The rule should be "If the customer bitches enough, do something to make them go away." Of course the precursor for the rule is "If the customer uses that bullshit 'I'm the customer so I'm right' line, advise the customer they'll have to call corporate"

3. People will spill their guts to a complete stranger. I know about more affairs, financial troubles, and scandals than Congress.

4. Some people think that drinking a bottle of Jager before deciding to come down to discuss their bill is a good idea. These same people will blame the company for the DUI that follows.

5. Old men watch porn. Their old wives know. They come back blushing asking for the "dirty movie" their husband left in the VCR. They had already loaded up his Hover Round before he realized it and he made her come back.

6. 80% of people have pictures of either their naked ass or their pot plants on their phones. I live in FL, it's like death's waiting room, some of these people also have Moses on speed dial. It's not always pretty.

7. If you shake your head yes or hand someone a pen. They will buy things. Seriously people-haven't you figured this out by now? FIGHT IT! Unless of course, it's me shaking my head yes, or handing you a pen-then you should succumb to the urge.

8. Society's number one problem-there are people buying plasmas and iphones that can't pay their electric bill. This same person tried to pay with food stamps.

9. Saying things like "I've been a customer since. . . " is not going to help you. The sales rep hears that from 75% of customers. The last time you bought a TV was for the series finale of Dallas. The cordless phone you spend $17.99 on every 6 years does not really make you a valued customer. You aren't impressing anyone, not even yourself. You're inside a mall, the flea market is up the road.

10. There is always some kind of magic number you can call and talk to someone who is in America, speaks clear English, and can make all kinds of exceptions and arrangements for you. If you have a legitimate issue, and don't act like an asshole, you will become privy of this highly classified info.

I may not read the business section or have a fancy title, but I do know how to not pay for a new ipod when it gets run through the wash and when I have a billing issue, I'm talking to David in Indiana while you're on hold with "David" in India. Are those not valuable life skills?