The Slacker Friend

We all have that one friend, the one we've known our whole lives, the one who is unreliable, immature, and usually trying to borrow $20. As kids we get into all sorts of childhood mischief, a few years later do a stint as rebellious teenagers, take a road trip in college where you learned how to party like a rockstar, and then we grow up and get real jobs and mortgages and life insurance. But not this friend, they're still living in mom's basement delivering Dominos part time when they're not busy drinking or playing guitar hero. We spend decades telling ourselves something will change them, they'll get married, or have a baby, or maybe the PS3 will stop reading games.

When our friend the slacker says they'll be ready in ten minutes, we just assume an hour and are impressed when it only takes them forty five minutes. Anyone else, we're shooting off text messages like "WTF! Whr R U?!" But not our slacker friend, we'll come up with excuses and even blame ourselves! "Well, it is kinda my fault, I know that lazy ass can't wake up before noon without several wake up calls." When they prank call us at work, instead of hanging up the phone, we try lecturing them on why they should be doing something productive. C'mon now, they are 30 damn years old, if they don't know this by now, you can not help them. You're paying the bill on the phone they're calling you from-stop, that'd end the calls. And you're slacker friend will always forget their wallet when you go out to lunch. Instead of making their broke ass do dishes, you reach into your wallet because you're enabling ass stopped by the atm and got extra cash because this friend hasn't had their wallet since 1992.

Now every once in a while we swear off this person. We're tired of dealing with all their nonsense. We try cold turkey. . . and it never works. Three days will go by and we have ignored every call, not responded to one text message, and since we're not there to loan them gas money, they can't just come by our house. Then we're getting ready for work, and as we grab a towel from the closet a box of old pictures falls and there we are, sixth grade-braces and pimples with those stupid Dr Suess hat on our heads and for a second we miss them. But we're strong; we put the pictures back, remind ourselves of the time they peed on our grandmothers houseplant, and head off to work. Jamming out to the Flashback Friday mix on the way to the office, the DJ plays Big Poppa, and there we are, sophomore year, smoke rolling out the windows of their Ford Festiva, and for a second we miss them. We shake it off and remember when they blew off the job interview for a position we spent months trying to get for them. During our mid day coffee break; the secretary, overwhelmed with her wedding planning jokes about eloping in Vegas, and there we are, barely twenty-one doing body shots off complete strangers at Cesar's Palace, and for a second we miss them. We think about how they threw up on our favorite shoes at the end of the night, and go about our day. The problem is, this person has been so entwined in our life for so long, they're everywhere. After a few more days, we break down and call them.

See, the thing about our slacker friend, is yes, they do outrageous things, but they're there for us when we really need them. That time mom found a pack of Marlboros in our JanSport, knowing you'd be shot, they took the blame and we grimaced as our mom got their dad on the phone. When we dated that loser freshman year who broke our heart, they told the whole school he was premature and burned his pictures with you while eating a pint of Ben and Jerrys. And the day we finalized our divorce, they came over with a bottle of tequila. It dawns on us, our slacker friend listens to us bitch about our nagging spouse, out of control toddler, asshole boss, plummeting portfolios, and mild ulcers all so we can be a grown up. We sure make the grass look greener for them don't we?